On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
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Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!