I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
You Might Also Like
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”