nothing saves money like being antisocial
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
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[Inventing Cotton Candy]
What if insulation was delicious?
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
All the “men aint shit” tweets slow down around Valentine’s Day
[stranded on a deserted island]
Ok first things first, I need to find a volleyball.
Inspirational tweet: There’s always a light at the end of the tunnel. I hope yours is a freight train.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Boss: We’re all human. We all make mistakes.
Me: [holds up a sign from the back of the conference room that says #NotAllHumans]
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns