@Mom_Overboard

[on the phone]

me: i let the cat out of the bag

sis: what??

me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk

sis: oh phew

me: then i spilled the beans

sis: what?!

me: …all over the floor at dinner

sis: omg ok

me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye

You Might Also Like

@E_lok44

When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.

@vuhsace

All the “men aint shit” tweets slow down around Valentine’s Day

@SteveSuckington

[stranded on a deserted island]

Ok first things first, I need to find a volleyball.

@Reverend_Scott

Inspirational tweet: There’s always a light at the end of the tunnel. I hope yours is a freight train.

@TheDairylandDon

A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Boss: We’re all human. We all make mistakes.
Me: [holds up a sign from the back of the conference room that says #NotAllHumans]

@Grommit56

You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.

Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.

@SortaBad

Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns