“Don’t kid yourself.” – birth control
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
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*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
How did the butcher introduce his wife? MEET PATTY
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Amazingly, this sentence contains all letters of the alphabet djkquvwxz
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
While you’re making a difference I’m making spaghetti bolognese. So I ask you, who’s winning now?
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.