Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘condescending’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course I can. Can YOU?

“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie

I remember reading an article about how Somali pirates had fallen on such hard times that their luxury cars were getting repossessed and all I could think was that a Somali repo man who takes cars back from pirates must be the toughest bastard on planet Earth.

Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did

HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive

HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:

STEP 1: buy a recliner

STEP 2: buy some beer

STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods

Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.

wife: you need to do more around the house

me: can you change the subject please?

wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you

“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie

them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope

Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!

I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.

“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.

Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.

doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]

My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?

Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing

Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it

I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.

Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.

8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.

Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.

I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)

Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.

Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel

Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.

Me starting a diet:

7am: Egg white veggie omelet

9am: One cookie instead of two

I’m so smart, I got rid of cable and now I only have $638 in monthly streaming services

This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.

Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday

I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.