[on the phone]

Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.

CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?

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Don’t hesitate when you come to a fork in the road. Be bold. Pick that fork up and take it home. Free cutlery!


Robbing me is only a good idea if you’re running low on ketchup packets.


I RT you, you ignore me
I fav you, you ignore me
I ignore you, you ignore me
This seems to be working out well for us


*attempts seductive selfie in bed

*drops phone on face

*chips tooth


Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd


If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.


I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.


Waiter: Can I see your ID?

Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.

Waiter: What would you like to drink?