PRANK TIME: tie your friend’s shoelaces together and when he tries to walk throw a wolf at him
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
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A tree house is the biggest insult to a tree. “Here, I killed your friend. Hold him.”
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
M: And olive oil?
M: And baby oil?
*I turn out the lights and leave
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
My 5y/o just threw a 15 min fit because she doesn’t want me to get old. I had to tell her if she took a bath it would help me stay young
I was asked to name my top 10 most favorite books.
I don’t have 10 so I just started naming insects.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
There is nothing stopping a condom company from saying they are the only condoms worn by Santa Claus
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.