@Be___Dope

[on the phone]

Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.

CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?

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@Tups13

Don’t hesitate when you come to a fork in the road. Be bold. Pick that fork up and take it home. Free cutlery!

@ComedicBust

Robbing me is only a good idea if you’re running low on ketchup packets.

@mamapojo

I RT you, you ignore me
I fav you, you ignore me
I ignore you, you ignore me
This seems to be working out well for us

@clindsaysway

*attempts seductive selfie in bed

*drops phone on face

*chips tooth

@thepunningman

Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd

@kimtopher22

If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.

@babyblue0924

I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.

@ronleibach

Waiter: Can I see your ID?

Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.

Waiter: What would you like to drink?