@Be___Dope

[on the phone]

Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.

CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?

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@earthfalcon33

PRANK TIME: tie your friend’s shoelaces together and when he tries to walk throw a wolf at him

@ThatBrenna

A tree house is the biggest insult to a tree. “Here, I killed your friend. Hold him.”

@jkrambles

It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.

@HughGoesThere

[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave

@javi_draws

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?

Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Mom

Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?

Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?

Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?

@wallin_monica

My 5y/o just threw a 15 min fit because she doesn’t want me to get old. I had to tell her if she took a bath it would help me stay young

@perfect_boxx

I was asked to name my top 10 most favorite books.

I don’t have 10 so I just started naming insects.

@secondofhername

The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.

@HelloCullen

There is nothing stopping a condom company from saying they are the only condoms worn by Santa Claus

@CulturedRuffian

* on a date snuggling *

Me: Did you enjoy dinner?

Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.

Me: Get your hands off my belly.