[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
You Might Also Like
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too