[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
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Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.