[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
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Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …