[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
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it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
💯😂
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana