On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
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Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good