did it work
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What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.