[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
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Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.