@stephanieboland

On the sofa and hear boyfriend start laughing to himself in the kitchen.

Turns out he’d just learned that 88 couples have come out of quarantine in China and immediately filed for divorce

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@gitson_shiggles

Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”

GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”

Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”

@liv_thatsme

As a kid, I refused to sing “rain rain go away” because I thought God would punish us with an apocalyptic drought,so no, I’m not easy-going.

@MunkMania

HIM: What are you doing?

ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.

HIM: How much is in there?

ME: $5.40

@HoarseWisperer

Twitter basically:

Person: “These socks are itchy.”

Other people:

“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”

“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”

“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”

“First-world foot problems.”

“The real problem is shoes.”

@Holy_Mowgli

me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin

dermatologist: aloe

me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin

@Southernwit_1

I’m beginning to think that a woman calling another woman hun or sweetie is not a term of endearment.

@Mister_Burnham

A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.

@Mirimade

I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.

@SSDated

You’re only as awkward as you say you are…out loud…in front of people…who were in a private conversation…that didn’t involve you.