@fuqtarded

On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.

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@CourtneyBale

Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What

@Manda_like_wine

My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”

@PinkCamoTO

*God creating the rhino*

God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.

@iamspacegirl

In the middle of a GOP debate, Scooby and the gang suddenly rush the stage. They wrestle Trump to the ground, struggling to remove his face.

@kelkulus

The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.

@davidkenny100

Have you never heard of the boy that cried wolf???
The girl that coughed bees?
The boy that sneezed sharks?
The girl that shit spiders?

@DadUnderFire

I usually turn down the volume on my car radio when searching for an address, as if the house will shout out to me as I approach.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.