On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
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Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close