On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.

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Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What


My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”


*God creating the rhino*

God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.


In the middle of a GOP debate, Scooby and the gang suddenly rush the stage. They wrestle Trump to the ground, struggling to remove his face.


The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.


Have you never heard of the boy that cried wolf???
The girl that coughed bees?
The boy that sneezed sharks?
The girl that shit spiders?


I usually turn down the volume on my car radio when searching for an address, as if the house will shout out to me as I approach.


I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.