@dildointherough

On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing

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@MumsieEsq

Just blocked all users from Central & South America. I doubt this “Zika” virus can spread thru social media but why take the risk?

@mrjohndarby

my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met

me: ok

[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?

me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life

@KenJennings

I don’t really like the idea that James Franco might be in my grandkids’ history textbooks.

@TheHyyyype

WAITER: questions about the menu?

ME: is it recycled paper?

WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it

ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?

@therealeatwood

I love kickboxing and think there should be kick versions of more sports, like kickbowling and kickbadminton

@stanfordhoward_

Drunk people:
We accidentally made a baby.

High people:
We accidentally made a pizza.

@Mr_Kapowski

[firetruck honks its obnoxiously loud horn]

[goose in the distance hears it] “Oh shit guys, that sounds like my wife. Gotta fly”

@TheAndrewNadeau

HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.