Just blocked all users from Central & South America. I doubt this “Zika” virus can spread thru social media but why take the risk?
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
You Might Also Like
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
her dad: so how did you two meet?
me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
I don’t really like the idea that James Franco might be in my grandkids’ history textbooks.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
I love kickboxing and think there should be kick versions of more sports, like kickbowling and kickbadminton
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
We accidentally made a baby.
We accidentally made a pizza.
[firetruck honks its obnoxiously loud horn]
[goose in the distance hears it] “Oh shit guys, that sounds like my wife. Gotta fly”
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.