@dildointherough: On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she's already used to not finishing
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@DaHess1: When I momentarily lack the ability to articulate my thoughts and use a preposition instead. That.
@jctwritesstuff: [First day as pirate] *sword tip pokes me in back* *sighs* *walks plank* Me: Whatever, y'all are out of rum anyway. Him: You drank it all!
@roostermustache: Him: my gf left me Me: theres plenty of fish in the sea Him: yeah but- Me: also a squirrel Him: ...what Me: and a sponge in a pineapple
@vicki_gurley: My dad is so cheap that when he dies he is going to walk towards the light and turn it off..