On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
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You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally