@hazelmotes1

On the Titanic 0 people died from alcohol poisoning and 1,500 people died from drinking too much water. You decide which is more dangerous.

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@Havish_AF

You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.

@DBeasleyHarling

Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.

@stinky_blinders

My coworker read some fake Facebook thing saying vitamin C is the cure for the virus. He’s been drinking 3 large glasses of milk per day for the last 9 days. I haven’t had the heart to tell him orange juice is the one with vitamin C

@sofarrsogud

WIFE: Who was at the door?

ME: More carol singers.

HER: What did they sing?

ME: Silent Night

HER: I hope you didn’t t-

ME: I twerked.

@QwertyJones3

[Speed dating]

HER: I’m really into astronomy

ME: the moon follows me when I drive

@jamieramone

It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.

@CorkyKneivel

Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.

@urmumsausername

Dear America

Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.

Many thanks

England

@chicnlil1

Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.

Sincerely, spiders

@drinksmcgee

I killed a Werewolf and turned it into a Were-skin rug but the problem is that it’s a human-skin rug for like 29-30 days a month.