@hazelmotes1

On the Titanic 0 people died from alcohol poisoning and 1,500 people died from drinking too much water. You decide which is more dangerous.

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@ClichedOut

HER: I work for the Red Cross.

ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.

@jazz_inmypants

Flight Attendant: u are sitting in an exit row. do u agree to assist in the event of an emergency

Me: yes

[later]

Guy behind me: I gotta go to the bathroom it’s an emergency

Me wearing a neck pillow: [eyes open]

@poutinesmoothie

I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.

@momsense_ensues

Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?

@DuaneABarrett

Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”

You know. Like a book.

@NewDadNotes

Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?

Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?

Me: oh.

Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?

Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.

@UGotMeRight

The wife convinced me into taking her to Hawaii if she lost 20 pounds. You’d be surprised how many M&M’s someone can swallow in their sleep.

@KenJennings

I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.

@joejwest

[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN