HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
On the Titanic 0 people died from alcohol poisoning and 1,500 people died from drinking too much water. You decide which is more dangerous.
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Flight Attendant: u are sitting in an exit row. do u agree to assist in the event of an emergency
Guy behind me: I gotta go to the bathroom it’s an emergency
Me wearing a neck pillow: [eyes open]
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
JESUS: *sending nude* this is my body
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
The wife convinced me into taking her to Hawaii if she lost 20 pounds. You’d be surprised how many M&M’s someone can swallow in their sleep.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]