Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
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Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter