On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
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WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
When your best mate counts as a desk too
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.