[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
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Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Can’t, holding a grudge
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.