ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
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My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
good morning
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”