Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
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In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Her: I love Christmas.
Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
A cute girl with brilliance is the best thing in the world that doesn’t have cheese on it
Wait couldn’t I just put the che
Mother of god
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.