@AngryBlkManDC

On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.

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@rickygervais

Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.

@aveuaskew

In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.

@TheAndrewNadeau

[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.

Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.

@CroweJam

Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.

@aveuaskew

If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.

@dafloydsta

[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first

@WilliamAder

They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.

@JayCee302

A cute girl with brilliance is the best thing in the world that doesn’t have cheese on it

Wait couldn’t I just put the che

Mother of god

@TragicAllyHere

[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous

[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death

@KentWGraham

Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.