On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
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i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
any last words?
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again