*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
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Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
*aggressively waits in line*
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets