Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
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MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
こいつ天才
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning