@Parker_Simpson

On toilet in a stall playin TigerWoods on phone.eagled a par5.Crowd cheered.Pretty sure guy in the next stall thought I just took epic dump

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@thepaulasuzanne

“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.

@fluffysuse

Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.

@Diversion50

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The Chosen Phew

@krisv_723

Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*

@PresTightrhymes

*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*

Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.

Depth Metal

@salamingia

Wanna burn fat quickly and without dieting?

Here, take this gasoline and matches.

@dumbbeezie

I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly

@LloBrow

King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!

*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.

@Marlebean

*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday