[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
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just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
Yup.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.