I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
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Why do you want to be Jedi?
[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
I love when people say “If people hate you, it only means you’re doing something right.” Because that’s what Hitler would say.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Asterisks are awesome.
*tosses a midget dressed in sexy maid outfit off the Eiffel Tower with parachute made of pancakes*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…