ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
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[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”