@sannewman

ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here

ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857

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@MissyFRose

I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.

@awkwardphilippe

[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?

[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]

To keep the peace

@Jarhead44

If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”

@NotGaryBusey

I love when people say “If people hate you, it only means you’re doing something right.” Because that’s what Hitler would say.

@iSmokeJoints

Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.

@Hurly_Burly

Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool

That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.

@vinfury

Asterisks are awesome.

*tosses a midget dressed in sexy maid outfit off the Eiffel Tower with parachute made of pancakes*

@NurseMurderer

*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.