[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
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The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.