@dafloydsta

[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job

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@realHamOnWry

Me: Hey, just got back from a 3 hour walk.

Her: But it’s 20 below zero outside.

Me: I had mitts.

Her: Are you crazy?

Me: No…Canadian.

@ZachXJ

“Two thumbs up!” -man with 12 thumbs reviewing a movie he hated

@notviking

DR: i’m afraid you’re sterile
ME: yeah i just washed my hands
DR: no…you can’t have kids
ME: right. men can’t get pregnant
DR: you’ll never be able to pass down your genes
ME: that’s okay. when i finally have a son i’ll just buy him his own pair

@dance_blessed

Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.

@skittle624

I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.