On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
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I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
oh shit
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”