ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
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The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
I got soap in my shower beer again.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Never forget.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.