*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
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Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
WWE is French for “yes”
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…