on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
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Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Swedish for common sense.
