“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
You Might Also Like
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
I can’t be the only one 😂
This line from Airplane.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*