On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
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I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?