On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.

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Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.


Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.


WIFE: the kitchen is burning to the ground! we have to call the fire marshall!



*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*


[Speed date]

Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…


Sorry, Babe, it’s over.

*I get on my motorcycle but I can’t get it to start so I use my feet to scoot away*


I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…

Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.


This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.


COP: Know why I pulled you over?

ME: Because I didn’t floss?

DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-