On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
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“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”