On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
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HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.