On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
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“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Simple enough.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Me sliding into hell like
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”