On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
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For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters