On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
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Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
this has to be peak English
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS