Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
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[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.