An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
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[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Not even remotely sorry.