I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
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Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”