I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
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Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Not all heroes wear capes….
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
When I laugh on my period
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain