@JasonLastname

Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.

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@HousewifeOfHell

I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.

@cee_ryan

My favorite thing to do at the library is leave browser tabs open with search results for “best way to clean vomit off a keyboard??”

@PissingLaughter

Fake moms- ‘I never want to be away from my children’

Real moms- ‘You drop that pizza, I’ll put you up for adoption’

@hellohappy_time

This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.

@WilliamAder

I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.

@TheBeerGuy73

I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…

waiting for me in the fridge at home.

@LilyRoseLynn

If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.

@HeroineAddict

*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*

“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”

@KevinFarzad

People are often shocked when I tell them I’m single because I scream it at them while sliding open their shower curtain.