Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.

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No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.


I’m at my most nurturing when I’m plotting a way to drop my 12 yr old at school 3 days early.


Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way


[my 1st day as crime scene investigator]
detective: “how did this man drown?”
me: “he could not breathe underwater”


I hate it when I fall in love with someone, then the light turns green and they drive away


Angel: Whatcha makin?

God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.

Angel: That sounds innovative-

God: Others will eat them and die

Angel: …is this a prank?


[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.


I just want to look as good as Madonna does now when I’ve also been dead for 27yrs.


smokey robinson: tears of a clown

witch: where did you get this recipe