Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.

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I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.


My favorite thing to do at the library is leave browser tabs open with search results for “best way to clean vomit off a keyboard??”


Fake moms- ‘I never want to be away from my children’

Real moms- ‘You drop that pizza, I’ll put you up for adoption’


This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.


I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.


I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…

waiting for me in the fridge at home.


If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.


*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*

“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”


People are often shocked when I tell them I’m single because I scream it at them while sliding open their shower curtain.