Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
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I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
Peter Parker Peter Driver
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive