@JasonLastname

Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.

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@bourgeoisalien

No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.

@vanluvz1

I’m at my most nurturing when I’m plotting a way to drop my 12 yr old at school 3 days early.

@aparnapkin

Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way

@KeetPotato

[my 1st day as crime scene investigator]
detective: “how did this man drown?”
me: “he could not breathe underwater”

@XOperfectmessXO

I hate it when I fall in love with someone, then the light turns green and they drive away

@Reverend_Scott

Angel: Whatcha makin?

God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.

Angel: That sounds innovative-

God: Others will eat them and die

Angel: …is this a prank?

@david8hughes

[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.

@Just_Oh_Susanna

I just want to look as good as Madonna does now when I’ve also been dead for 27yrs.

@FredTaming

smokey robinson: tears of a clown

witch: where did you get this recipe