@whimsik_l

Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing

You Might Also Like

@AnnietheNanny1

Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward

What a sturdy clavicle you have.

@borderlinemom8

[1st Date]

him: oh do you have a twitter?

me: oh yeah, here you can look at it

him: *scrolls in silence*

him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out

@DoreyZoe

My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants

@LeeMifsud

Me and my gf always laugh at how competitive we are but I laugh more.

@ShutUpThatsWho

GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?

ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers

GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee

@heapsOhate

Him: Could you be any more annoying?

Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.

@BrandyLJensen

I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits

@Storminika

I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way

@joejwest

ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments