Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
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My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”