Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
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if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Ah yes. The three genders
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”