“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
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One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both