Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
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Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
They also CAN sing✌️
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Jupiter
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice