@kateberlant

Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch

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@Megatronic13

I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.

@nigelgodwin

My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them

@hannahhhhxoxo

i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him

@hayes_t_r

*puts on layers of running gear*

*makes a ponytail*

*laces up sneakers*

*drives to McDonalds*

@MommaUnfiltered

Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.

@Matt_The_1st

I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN

@BrettDruck

Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee

@clichedout

her: wanna come over

me: can’t I’m at an office party

her: ur self-employed

me: and having a great time