I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
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My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
*puts on layers of running gear*
*makes a ponytail*
*laces up sneakers*
*drives to McDonalds*
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
There is no “we” in pizza
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
I used to work in mysterious ways. Now I just don’t work.