Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
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*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.